Hey Baby (do you come here often?)
by SaturnXK
Summary: Jack thinks he's suave and Elsa hates her life. – Jack/Elsa. library!au.


the cover image is by septyong on deviantart.

i am happily adding to the quickly growing frozen/rotg fandom, and by default the jack/elsa shippers. those two are so cute i cannot. seriously when i first went to this crossover there were legit like only one hundred or so fics, and now we're up to like two hundred and seventy and counting. im so proud ;A;

this is for **mon esprit libre**. this is our mid-january fic exchange haha omg totally not our christmas one lol.

this is supposed to be funny but idk i sort of suck at funny so it might not be all that funny.

in which elsa is a part-time librarian and jack is the annoying guy who uses pickup lines on her.

* * *

Elsa winced as the book she had been shelving, an encyclopaedia volume on the Christmas reindeer, slipped out of her slack grasp and tumbled onto the ground, probably leaving a nice thirty by twenty centimetre dent in the just-washed grey carpet.

Internally cursing her life and wondering why on earth her stupid sister would think that signing her up for a holiday job at the local library would be a good idea, she bent to pick up the book and promptly slammed her head into the corner of the desk as she straightened.

"Stupid reindeer," Elsa muttered, stuffing it into its rightful place. She picked up the next fifty page book on her trolley,_ The Mating Habits of Flatworms_, and glared at its cover. "Stupid flatworms."

"Well, that's a bit mean, don't you think? You can't blame the flatworms for having interesting mating rituals," claimed a voice behind her.

"What's so interesting about–" Elsa snapped as she turned around, before her sentence died in her throat because _stars, that is a fine combination of genes right there._

Tall, bright blue eyes, white-grey hair, sharp cheekbones; he was like a walking sex bomb.

Walking-sex-bomb gave her an well-practiced smirk, and just like that, all attraction that Elsa initially felt disappeared and the beginnings of irritation crept into her face. She hated overly confident guys, no matter how good looking they were.

"Well, flatworms are hermaphrodites, therefore they fight each other with their penises to decide who will be the female," Walking-sex-bomb continued. He leaned against the bookshelf, one hip arrogantly cocked, and Elsa felt the sudden urge to throw _The Mating Habits of Flatworms _right into his stupid smug face.

"That's nice," Elsa said icily. "Excuse me."

She tried to go past him, almost running over his foot with her trolley in the process, but he'd stretched out his kilometric legs to block her. Elsa tried not to stare at said kilometric legs.

"Rude," he said. "I thought librarians were supposed to be super helpful and aid poor helpless civilians in need of a book." He squinted at her. "And aren't the pretty ones supposed to have Sexy Librarian Glasses or something?"

Elsa choked on her spit. She wasn't sure which part she was more scandalised about: the fact that he had a horribly general stereotype of librarians, the fact that he sexualised librarians, or the fact that he'd inadvertly called her pretty.

Instead, she just gurgled at him intelligently. Then she realised:

"Wait, hey! I have twenty/twenty vision!" Elsa bit out. At the back of her mind, she wondered why that was the part she decided to focus on, and what that said about her.

The boy shrugged, a Cheshire grin curving his lips. "That's not the point of it."

"Do you need something?" Elsa managed to say after a few minutes. "If not, please get out of my way."

"No, no, I actually do," the boy protested, waving his hands around. He has nice hands, Elsa noted absent-mindedly. Then she realised what she had just thought and mentally slapped herself. "I'm looking for _Introduction to Quantum Physics and Special Relativity_."

Elsa just looked at him dubiously. "Really?"

The boy crossed his arms in affront. "Excuse you, I am currently the top student in my year, thank you. I can handle it."

"You _do_ know that only a couple of people in the whole world truly understand that area of physics?"

"Yeah, so? I'll be one of them soon. And then my dashingly good looks will become a worldwide phenomenon. Chicks dig the intelligent-yet-hot guy, trust me."

Elsa breathed deeply and tried not to bury her face into her hands. "Okay, whatever. I'll go get it for you. Just stay here, please."

"Sure thing." He waved her off carelessly.

After getting his book (which took almost fifteen minutes to find) and annoying her for another half an hour, Walking-sex-bomb finally remembered that "oh my god I have a piano lesson my teacher is going to kill me" and sprinted out.

The library was quiet when he left, and Elsa swore she saw some people sigh in relief. Then she spotted something lying on the table.

"That dumbass forgot his book."

* * *

Elsa was scanning returned novels at the front desk when a shadow fell over her and she barely had time to look up before a familiar voice rang out.

"Hi, can you help me with something?"

Walking-sex-bomb had returned, smiling brightly at her. He was dressed in dark jeans and a blue hoodie even though it was like an oven outside, and he placed his elbows on the desk and pushed his face into her personal bubble. She took a step backwards.

"Oh," she said unenthusiastically. "It's you again." She paused and decided that she was on the job and might as well be polite. "What would you like?"

The boy leaned even closer and his smile turned into cheeky. "I need a book that'll help me sweep you off your feet."

Elsa's mouth most definitely did not drop open. "Did you just use a pickup line on me?"

His laughter echoed through the whole library. "It was a good one, wasn't it?"

"Shush," Elsa hissed through gritted teeth. "This is a library, not a zoo. Be quiet." She put a hand on her hip and pursed her lips and hoped she looked intimidating. "And no, that was terrible."

"Hm," the boy said, stroking his chin and looking as if he was contemplating the meaning of life. "That's really sexy. You should get embarrassed more often."

A line had formed behind the boy now, people waiting to get their book checked out.

"Either you really need something, or get out. You're keeping people waiting," Elsa sniffed.

"Okay, I'll go," the boy said. Elsa raised an eyebrow at how easily he had caved. To her dismay, he then continued to announce, "but don't think you're getting rid of me that easily."

"Awesome," Elsa said faintly. The boy walked away three paces, before he seemed to realise something and bounded back to her, pushing in front of an irritated teen.

"My name's Jack," he said. He glanced down at her badge and Elsa tried to quell her automatic reaction of hiding it. "Thanks for your help, Elsa."

"Anytime. Now get out."

* * *

"Too bad the library doesn't allow food in here, because I could eat you up right now."

Elsa stepped on her own toe and face-planted into the carpet. _Folk Songs of Norway_ skidded a few metres away, conveniently stopping right at a pair of black boots belonging to the menace that currently terrorised her life.

"Jack," Elsa said from her place on the floor. "How nice to see you." Hopefully he was aware that she was being sarcastic.

"Yes, my presence immediately improves the life of anyone who meets me," Jack agreed.

Elsa was starting to like the feel of the carpet. Perhaps she should stay down here forever and not face her daily truckload of problems, with the number one spot being taken by the boy in front of her.

"Here, let me help you."

And before she could protest, Elsa felt warm hands clasp her arms and she was pulled up to a standing position. The stupid bastard had decided to wear a close-fitting t-shirt today and she could see lean muscles and _god, that collarbone I want to lick it–no, what am I thinking? Don'tthinkofhimlikethatohmygod–_

As Elsa fought herself internally, she must have let out a strange whimper because Jack frowned down at her (wow he has nice eyebrows too, Elsa thought distractedly) and asked, "Um, are you okay?"

"What? No–yes! Of course I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?" Elsa spluttered, tearing herself away from him and fixing her clothes.

Jack grinned. "Whatever you say, princess."

Elsa was too busy calming herself and didn't notice the new nickname. Naturally, Jack therefore took it as a confirmation that she was fine with it.

"Okay, what do you want this time? I have a lot of shelving to do and new books to wrap. I don't have time to–"

"I don't want anything," Jack said.

Elsa gaped at him, unable to believe her luck. "Great! So you can just leave me in peace and–"

"I'm just here to keep you company, since you seem pretty lonely," Jack declared. He strode past her into the library's staffroom ("Hey, you can't go in there!") and left Elsa blinking in his wake. Gerda, a senior librarian, swooped in and whispered, "Sweetheart, he looks like a keeper!"

Elsa prayed that Jack would never hear that, because she didn't need his ego inflating any bigger than it already was.

He followed her around for the whole day, chattering nonstop as she put books away and helped people find things and cleared up the tables.

"Aren't you bored?" Elsa groaned as Jack paused in his explanation on the chemical makeup of the average building brick.

Jack fell silent, then: "Nope!"

He changed the subject, and so Elsa was the victim to his burning interrogation for the rest of the afternoon.

("What's your favourite colour? Do you like spaghetti? You have any siblings? Do you think street signs should be painted purple?")

And because Elsa just wanted him to shut up, she answered, albeit very unwillingly.

("I like blue. Yes, spaghetti is nice. I have a younger sister. Wait–what?")

* * *

And one day, Jack didn't appear. Elsa waited the whole day, barely concentrating as she kept on eye on the entrance, and by the time five o'clock came around and there was still no sign of him, locked the library doors and tried not to feel rejected.

"Maybe he's just busy," Gerda suggested kindly. "You can't really expect him to come every day."

"Maybe I've been so nasty to him that he's finally got the message," Elsa said softly, but it had no real bite to it. Instead of feeling relieved, she felt empty and just a little sad. The day had been too quiet without him constantly talking in her ear.

To her surprise, Gerda outright laughed at her. "Oh, sweetheart. A boy like that getting bored of you? Heavens, no! He's fallen so hard; it's quite refreshing to watch, to be honest."

And, still laughing, the elderly woman disappeared into the Crime/Mystery section.

Elsa just stood there, head reeling and possibly having a quarter-life crisis.

Because if she had to be completely truthful to herself, Elsa really didn't mind the space that Jack took up. She liked the sound of his voice, deep and cheerful. She liked the way he always listened to her, even if she was spitting out insults and complaints. She liked the way he staved off the loneliness that sometimes threatened to engulf her. The way he helped her shelve and find books, even though he didn't even work at the library. The way he could hold a conversation about a random topic ("I think hippos are cuddly and I want to own one in my living room!") and somehow draw her into it ("Jack, there are so many things wrong with that sentence I do not know where to start."). But most of all, just the way he was there when she needed him. Hell, she didn't even mind his cheesy pickup lines.

"Oh, stars," Elsa breathed. "I think I like him."

She half-expected her admittance to cause a choir of singing angels to appear and holy golden light to shine down and sparkling trumpets to play, but instead all she could hear was her own panicked breathing and Gerda trying to kill a fly in the background.

To make herself sure, Elsa repeated: "I like Jack."

Gerda popped her head around the corner and snorted. "Well, of course you do, sweetheart. Wasn't that obvious?" She resumed killing her fly with much gusto.

"Should I tell him?" Elsa shouted after Gerda, since Gerda was apparently an expert on these sorts of things.

"I thought you were smart!" Gerda cackled back.

* * *

Jack returned the following day near closing hour. When he walked through the glass doors, Elsa all but dove behind the counter and huddled next to Gerda's legs. Thankfully, the library was deserted.

"Tell him I'm not here," Elsa whispered frantically. Gerda gave her a thumbs up and a smile. Then, to her horror, she saw Gerda grin at Jack, who had approached the desk, and motion down at her and mouth _she's down here_. "Gerda, you traitor!"

"If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put _U_ and _I_ together," came the predicted voice above her. Elsa heard a fellow librarian cough rather loudly. "Hi, Elsa! Miss me?"

"Ha!" Gerda said in amusement. "That girl was moping all-"

Half-shrieking, Elsa jumped up and clamped a hand over the senior librarian's mouth.

"She's lying," Elsa insisted. "I wasn't–oh wow, you look good."

Jack was wearing black pants and a white dress shirt that rolled up to his elbows. His pale hair was gelled and he carried a bunch of dark red roses.

He smirked, and just like the first time Elsa had seen him, the spell was broken. "Like what you see?"

"Ugh, why do you always talk like you're in a movie?" Elsa wrinkled her nose and released Gerda. "And that pickup line was worse than usual."

"Elsa, my life _is_ a movie. Everyone wants to _be_ me because I am just that hot."

"Wow," Elsa said dryly. "That was perhaps the most self-centred line I've heard from you yet."

Jack pouted, and Elsa sort of wished he wouldn't do that, because he looked too adorable to be real and her heart was melting into a puddle of mushy goo.

"Why are you all dressed up anyway?" Elsa asked.

"Family dinner," Jack grimaced. "But it's in a restaurant with other people and it's all fancy and ew, not my type of thing." He added, "And the other family has this girl around my age and my parents were all, 'Oh my gosh honey you have to be a gentleman and give her flowers!' and shit so this is what the roses are for."

"Oh," said Elsa, inwardly crestfallen. "Is she your type though?"

She failed to see the glint in Jack's eyes. "Well, she's quite pretty, I gotta admit."

"I see." Elsa felt a little winded.

"I guess you could say she's my type."

"Ah."

"Except for the fact that she's a total bitch and only cares about how she looks," Jack finished. Elsa unknowingly perked up at that, something Jack noticed with absolute glee.

"Really?" Elsa asked a little too excitedly. "I mean–oh no, that's bad. Have fun with her ha ha ha!"

"You suck at lying, princess–"

"Don't call me that!"

"–but it's kinda cute."

Oh, he just called me cute, Elsa thought. She tried not to swoon.

"Yeah, I just called you cute."

Did I say that out loud? Elsa wondered in a daze.

"Yeah, you said that out loud."

"Oh," Elsa said mistily. "I should probably feel more mortified."

Jack looked far too amused for his own good. "Then why aren't you?"

Realisation dawned on Elsa's face, and she gave somewhat of a squeak before her face became a fireball.

Jack laughed a loud clear ring that Elsa found she didn't find embarrassing anymore.

"Damn, I should dress up more often," Jack chuckled. He beckoned her closer. "Here, feel my shirt."

Elsa touched it warily.

"Know what it's made of?"

"Um, polyester?"

"Wrong! It's made of _boyfriend_ material," Jack said triumphantly. "There! That was a good one wasn't it?"

He then stopped and stared at her, as if he was waiting for something. Elsa didn't know what he was trying to do. She stared back. They stared at each other. About five minutes passed. And then it clicked.

"You ass!" Elsa hissed. She grabbed the front of his stupid polyester 'boyfriend material' shirt. "That is _not_ how you ask me out!"

"She's right, you know," Gerda piped up from her place at the staffroom door where she stood with a bowl of popcorn. "It has no class."

"Exactly! And–hey, Gerda! This _isn't_ a movie!" Elsa cried.

"Might as well be," Gerda guffawed.

"Well, do you want to go out to watch a movie with me?" Jack tried.

"No!"

"You've riled her up now," Gerda said helpfully.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright. Here, princess. Take this; I need to check it out."

He handed Elsa a book. Elsa took it wordlessly, shocked because _why is he checking out a book when he's in the middle of asking me out? Does he want a slap or something?_

"Wait, Jack. This isn't a library book," Elsa said in confusion. The clean, new copy of Hans Christian Andersen's _The Snow Queen_ sat on the desk between them.

"It needs to be checked out," Jack insisted. "Just humour me, princess."

Brow furrowed, Elsa flipped to the back where she would normally stamp the date, and froze. Glued there was a sheet of paper which looked as if it had been ripped from a page of Jack's English essay, but scribbled messily over it in black permanent marker was:

_Hi Elsa! Go out with me? :3 :3 :D ;)_

"Were the emoticons necessary?" Elsa sighed.

"Absolutely," Jack said seriously. "They very correctly convey my mood."

Elsa pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why _The Snow Queen_?"

"Haha no idea! I just walked into a random section and grabbed a book and bought it," Jack said cheerily.

Elsa crossed her arms. Jack did that devastating pout thing again.

"Aw, come on, Elsa. Have dinner with me? Watch a movie? I'll even take you out on a romantic boat ride!" Jack said. He looked at the roses thoughtfully, and then thrust them in her face. "Here, have these!"

Elsa took the flowers and tried to fight the growing smile on her face. "I think that was the stupidest attempt at asking me out."

Jack smiled at her. "But it worked, didn't it?"

"Yeah," Elsa said, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous this whole thing was. "It was so stupid it worked."

Jack fist-pumped. "I knew my pickup lines weren't a waste of time."

Elsa shook her head. "It was _not_ the pickup lines that did it."

She leaned towards him over the desk and, to Jack's surprise, gave him a soft peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Jack."

He smiled giddily at her. "Anytime."

* * *

deleted scene: a peek at what happened on their first date

"Princess, if you were words on a page, you'd be fine print!" Jack said loudly. Everyone in the cinema turned towards them, and Elsa tried in vain to shut him up. "Life without you is like a broken pencil: pointless."

"Jack, be quiet–"

"Something's wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you."

"Jack, oh my god–"

"You're so sweet, you're giving me a toothache!"

"Jack, I will kill you–"

"Aside from being sexy, what else do you–"

Elsa yanked him towards her and kissed him full on the mouth. When they pulled apart, both pleasantly hazy, Elsa crossed her arms and said, "That is not how I imagined my first kiss with you to be like."

* * *

yes, jack really did have family dinner thing; he wasn't just making that up. needless to say, he was extremely late and his parents were pissed, but i don't think he really cared at that point.

if you want to know where i got the lame pickup lines jack uses i just did a general google search.

gerda is also an actual character in frozen. she and kai are servants in the castle and are seen a couple of times, in case you haven't noticed. but in the actual story of the snow queen she and kai are the protagonists. elsa is based on kai and anna is based on gerda in the movie.

thanks for reading! a review would be much appreciated :)


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